things have been somewhat better for me.
nothing's half as bad as i usually make it out to be.
it's remarkable the way the weather affects your mood.
there's barely any snow outside and the sun is shining
life is good.
but snow blizzards may bring misery once again
but it's easy to remember that with the rising of each new sun
the snow melts away more and more
peace and love are freed from the their dormant frozen stage
allowing the happiness and joy of life to run wildly in the wind.
but at the same time i've been able to see things clearer.
reasons for why i get so pissed at the world sometimes.
to start, i'm depressed and fat.
not overly obese at all, but fat enough to get myself pissed off.
i have abs but the fat still gets me angry.
very angry.
a year ago i stopped eating dinner entirely, but i realized this would kill me, so i stopped.
because of my weight, i'm depressed and it holds me back from doing what i want in my life.
because i'm depressed, i eat more then i should; eating junk food has a chemical which makes you feel good, and as i don't do any drugs there aren't many artificial highs in my life.
i told a girl how i felt about her about 2 weeks ago (although now i realize a relationship is not something i would have been able to maintain; and it's true deep friendship which i was seeking) and since then everyday i've been doing 25 minutes on the treadmill in my basement and 50 pushups (well most days).
i want to break out of everything bad about me.
i feel this is somewhat of a start, but i've never had any encouragement in my life for stuff i care about and actually want to do, so it's hard to find motivation.
as hard as it will be, the weight is probably gonna be easier to lose then the depression.
no one even knows i'm depressed, although all the signs are there, it just seems like the only thing my parents care about regarding me are my school marks, and i don't know if this is news to them, but numbers do not make people.
everyone has the potential to do great things in life, it's the inner push and the cheering around you that keep you going. everyone was born with a life full of possible accomplishments ahead of them, but it's up to us to filter what we need from what we don't need on our way to becoming what we feel we are. and right now i feel that i need to filter out everything my parents stand for, as i can only do so much for my own health, but being held prisoner for 17 years and not being treated as your own age is not something you can fix in 25 minutes on a treadmill and 50 pushups.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
you've got a friend
Here's a song that I liked a lot when I was really young. I can remember days in a carseat in the back of the first car my mom had since I've been alive with Carole King's "Tapestry" cassette in the tape deck. "You've Got A Friend" was my favourite song off that album, which Carole King originally wrote for her friend James Taylor, and after he recorded it, she released her own version of it on "Tapestry", her first album. This goes out to one of my closest friends whose had a rough week and a bad day and just needs a rest from all the stress which runs rampant throughout high school. Don't let numbers ruin your day because they aren't as important as we are made out to believe. You've still got your health, your friends, food every day, a house to live in, and all the little things that we really take for granted that other people in the world spend their whole life dreaming for but never attain in. Wow are we lucky to live in Canada. Everyone who has ever gone to school has gotten some bad marks, and the truth of it is that this is only such a minute part of your life, there's much much more to look forward to in the future. Cheer up, you've got a friend.
When youre down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, no nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know where ever I am
Ill come running
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Youve got a friend.
If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name
and you know where ever I am
Ill come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, aint it good to know that youve got a friend?
When people can be so cold.
Theyll hurt you and desert you.
Well theyll take your soul if you let them.
But dont you let them.
You just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
Ill come running to see you again.
dont you know that,Winter spring summer or fall
all youve got to do is call.
And Ill be there, yes I will.
Youve got a friend.
Youve got a friend.
Aint it good to know youve got a friend.
Aint it good to know
youve got a friend.
Youve got a friend.
When youre down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, no nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know where ever I am
Ill come running
To see you again.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall,
All you have to do is call
And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Youve got a friend.
If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind should begin to blow
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door.
You just call out my name
and you know where ever I am
Ill come running to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you got to do is call
And Ill be there, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, aint it good to know that youve got a friend?
When people can be so cold.
Theyll hurt you and desert you.
Well theyll take your soul if you let them.
But dont you let them.
You just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
Ill come running to see you again.
dont you know that,Winter spring summer or fall
all youve got to do is call.
And Ill be there, yes I will.
Youve got a friend.
Youve got a friend.
Aint it good to know youve got a friend.
Aint it good to know
youve got a friend.
Youve got a friend.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
February Stars
i hate february.
probably year after year the worst month.
everything bad happens.
i feel like shit.
and now that no one even thinks of me and i'm left standing out in the rain while everyone else is happy together.
and now i don't know who to believe between the 2 people in the world i trust the most.
i'm getting different stories about the same issue from the people who have always been there for me, and i feel torn in half and don't know what to believe.
for all you that doubt me, who don't think i'm fucking good enough, who pretend to care, who lie to my face and stab me in the back, who don't want me, who are all nice when we're alone but the opposite in public, and who love to watch me fall; watch out because you'll all see what you missed out on before, and when you all want me back, i'll be packed up and gone because the long winters are for weeping, but in the summer you'll all see me shine.
"weather changes moods"-- Kurt Cobain
here's a song by the foo fighters that describes my february's perfectly, it's called "february stars". listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80t9jVX_ufQ
lyrics:
Hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on
Even though
Watched you come and go
How was I to know
You'd steal the show
One day I'll have enough to gamble
I'll wait to hear your final call
And bet it all
I'm hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on
Even though
I pass this time alone
Somewhere so unknown
It heals the soul
You ask for walls
I'll build them higher
We'll lie in shadows of them all
I'd stand but they're much too tall
And I fall
February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars
February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars
February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars
February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars
probably year after year the worst month.
everything bad happens.
i feel like shit.
and now that no one even thinks of me and i'm left standing out in the rain while everyone else is happy together.
and now i don't know who to believe between the 2 people in the world i trust the most.
i'm getting different stories about the same issue from the people who have always been there for me, and i feel torn in half and don't know what to believe.
for all you that doubt me, who don't think i'm fucking good enough, who pretend to care, who lie to my face and stab me in the back, who don't want me, who are all nice when we're alone but the opposite in public, and who love to watch me fall; watch out because you'll all see what you missed out on before, and when you all want me back, i'll be packed up and gone because the long winters are for weeping, but in the summer you'll all see me shine.
"weather changes moods"-- Kurt Cobain
here's a song by the foo fighters that describes my february's perfectly, it's called "february stars". listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80t9jVX_ufQ
lyrics:
Hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on
Even though
Watched you come and go
How was I to know
You'd steal the show
One day I'll have enough to gamble
I'll wait to hear your final call
And bet it all
I'm hanging on
Here until I'm gone
Right where I belong
Just hanging on
Even though
I pass this time alone
Somewhere so unknown
It heals the soul
You ask for walls
I'll build them higher
We'll lie in shadows of them all
I'd stand but they're much too tall
And I fall
February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars
February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars
February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars
February stars
Floating in the dark
Temporary scars
February stars
night of confusion
so right now i really don't know what to do.
yesterday was valentines day and i was in a good mood.
but what happened over the last 2 days really got me confused.
and now i don't know at all what to do.
so as the reader of this (if any exist) you know that there's a girl that i'm crazy about.
anything in the world she'd say, i'd do.
every moment i spend with her i wish will never end.
i told her that i really like her, but i never asked her out or anything.
i didn't get to see her at all on friday, and she was sick most of the week, so i never got a chance to ask her 2 things: what's she doing on valentines day and if she would like to go to prom with me.
not asking her when i had the chance on the computer could be one of my biggest regrets of all time.
but on friday i get a call from a girl i used to like.
she had been going out with the king of douche bags for a year and 7 months, and everyone always told her to dump that asshole, but she never listened and kept getting hurt.
i liked her during the summer (although not half as much as i like the girl who i like now who's also probably my closest friend).
the problem was that she never dumped this asshole and so i realized that they'd always be together, so i got over her and just remained friends after that.
she called to tell me that she's finally had enough and that she dumped him.
her next words were "i want to spend my valentines day with you".
i really didn't know what to do because she's not the girl who i wanted to spend valentines day with.
i told her i'd give her a call the next day with plans.
that night i tried coming up with so many excuses not to go, because i felt that by going with her i'd be betraying myself and the girl who i told i really like.
when the girl i really like didn't go on msn that night, i didn't have an opportunity to ask her what she was doing the next day.
i came with the decision to go with her somewhere on valentines day, but to show that i just want to be friends, and turn down sex if it came to it because i felt bad for her because i like this other girl a whole lot more.
anyways valentines day comes along, and the plans were to go with her out for dinner and desert.
throughout our entire meal, she keeps telling me how much of a douche her ex was and that she's so happy to be with me because she knows that i would never hurt her.
the other girl never left my mind and i was thinking of what she was doing that night.
i felt like a fucking retard for not inviting the girl who i'd do anything for out dinner that night, or what i was thinking of for a while was to go with her to mount royal that night, and go up to the very top near the cross where you have a view of the entire beautiful city that montreal is, and then kiss her for the first time (my first kiss) with all the city lights below glowing upon us in the dark.
i felt really disapointed for not making that come true.
anyways i finish dinner with this other girl, then we went out for desert, and some poor old lady fell down while she was going up the stairs so i went down and helped her up the steps and waited for her to buy her pie, then i held her arm and helped her back down (she gave us each 20$ after which i'm upset i accepted, but she felt that she owed it to us and i didn't want her to be disapointed for us rejecting her kindness).
once we were done eating, this other girl invited me over to her house and told me that her mom was asleep.
uh oh.
i was freaking out on the inside and didn't know what i should do.
i would have felt like such an asshole for having sex with her that night after just a week before i told this other girl how i've felt about her for a long time and how she's the most amazing girl i've ever met.
i go to her house anyways because i knew my dad would be picking me up there in a short while, and she told me she wanted to show me something in her room.
the next thing i know, she's rubbing my arm up and down and then takes off my sweater.
suddenly i get a phone call as she's taking off her sweater.
it's my dad and he tells me that he's about 2 minutes away from her house, so while i'm telling him that i'll be out when he comes, she has her shirt off and is standing there in her bra.
i just got saved by my dad from feeling like a traitor for the next week.
because he called me, i wouldn't feel guilty about being with her instead of the girl who i really wanted to be with.
i tell her that he's a minute away, and that i'm sorry for not being able to stay longer.
she told me that we'll do something next time when her mom isn't there.
i didn't want to get into an argument so i just said ok.
my dad calls me again saying he's outside, so i say goodbye, but my shoes on, and leave.
what do i do.
i've never been in a situation like this before.
i'm so confused and not sure what to do.
hopefully i think of something soon.
yesterday was valentines day and i was in a good mood.
but what happened over the last 2 days really got me confused.
and now i don't know at all what to do.
so as the reader of this (if any exist) you know that there's a girl that i'm crazy about.
anything in the world she'd say, i'd do.
every moment i spend with her i wish will never end.
i told her that i really like her, but i never asked her out or anything.
i didn't get to see her at all on friday, and she was sick most of the week, so i never got a chance to ask her 2 things: what's she doing on valentines day and if she would like to go to prom with me.
not asking her when i had the chance on the computer could be one of my biggest regrets of all time.
but on friday i get a call from a girl i used to like.
she had been going out with the king of douche bags for a year and 7 months, and everyone always told her to dump that asshole, but she never listened and kept getting hurt.
i liked her during the summer (although not half as much as i like the girl who i like now who's also probably my closest friend).
the problem was that she never dumped this asshole and so i realized that they'd always be together, so i got over her and just remained friends after that.
she called to tell me that she's finally had enough and that she dumped him.
her next words were "i want to spend my valentines day with you".
i really didn't know what to do because she's not the girl who i wanted to spend valentines day with.
i told her i'd give her a call the next day with plans.
that night i tried coming up with so many excuses not to go, because i felt that by going with her i'd be betraying myself and the girl who i told i really like.
when the girl i really like didn't go on msn that night, i didn't have an opportunity to ask her what she was doing the next day.
i came with the decision to go with her somewhere on valentines day, but to show that i just want to be friends, and turn down sex if it came to it because i felt bad for her because i like this other girl a whole lot more.
anyways valentines day comes along, and the plans were to go with her out for dinner and desert.
throughout our entire meal, she keeps telling me how much of a douche her ex was and that she's so happy to be with me because she knows that i would never hurt her.
the other girl never left my mind and i was thinking of what she was doing that night.
i felt like a fucking retard for not inviting the girl who i'd do anything for out dinner that night, or what i was thinking of for a while was to go with her to mount royal that night, and go up to the very top near the cross where you have a view of the entire beautiful city that montreal is, and then kiss her for the first time (my first kiss) with all the city lights below glowing upon us in the dark.
i felt really disapointed for not making that come true.
anyways i finish dinner with this other girl, then we went out for desert, and some poor old lady fell down while she was going up the stairs so i went down and helped her up the steps and waited for her to buy her pie, then i held her arm and helped her back down (she gave us each 20$ after which i'm upset i accepted, but she felt that she owed it to us and i didn't want her to be disapointed for us rejecting her kindness).
once we were done eating, this other girl invited me over to her house and told me that her mom was asleep.
uh oh.
i was freaking out on the inside and didn't know what i should do.
i would have felt like such an asshole for having sex with her that night after just a week before i told this other girl how i've felt about her for a long time and how she's the most amazing girl i've ever met.
i go to her house anyways because i knew my dad would be picking me up there in a short while, and she told me she wanted to show me something in her room.
the next thing i know, she's rubbing my arm up and down and then takes off my sweater.
suddenly i get a phone call as she's taking off her sweater.
it's my dad and he tells me that he's about 2 minutes away from her house, so while i'm telling him that i'll be out when he comes, she has her shirt off and is standing there in her bra.
i just got saved by my dad from feeling like a traitor for the next week.
because he called me, i wouldn't feel guilty about being with her instead of the girl who i really wanted to be with.
i tell her that he's a minute away, and that i'm sorry for not being able to stay longer.
she told me that we'll do something next time when her mom isn't there.
i didn't want to get into an argument so i just said ok.
my dad calls me again saying he's outside, so i say goodbye, but my shoes on, and leave.
what do i do.
i've never been in a situation like this before.
i'm so confused and not sure what to do.
hopefully i think of something soon.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
apathy
ya so i don't know what's happening anymore
i feel like the old favourite toy now broken on the floor
i'm sorry for everything i could have done to get you angry
i guess i sort of freaked you out in some ways and now i'm not happy
in the future i'll censor my ideas
and not tell you all the stuff that makes you think i'm crazy
it's gotten to a point where you don't even look me in the eye
i hope it doesn't get to a point where it hurts so much that i'd want to cry
i'm not the gq model on the front of the magazine
and if that's what you're looking for then i'll never fit the dream
i'd do anything for you to think of me more
but i've been so depressed lately i'm nothing but a bore
please give me just one more chance
can we go together to the prom dance?
i feel like the old favourite toy now broken on the floor
i'm sorry for everything i could have done to get you angry
i guess i sort of freaked you out in some ways and now i'm not happy
in the future i'll censor my ideas
and not tell you all the stuff that makes you think i'm crazy
it's gotten to a point where you don't even look me in the eye
i hope it doesn't get to a point where it hurts so much that i'd want to cry
i'm not the gq model on the front of the magazine
and if that's what you're looking for then i'll never fit the dream
i'd do anything for you to think of me more
but i've been so depressed lately i'm nothing but a bore
please give me just one more chance
can we go together to the prom dance?
Hey.
hey everyone, i just decided to start my own blog. the entries that are all posted before this one were written in deverse times in the past that i've had on my computer for a while. i don't really know why i'm doing this but i find it feels good to write stuff out when only words can describe how you feel. enjoy.
french class fun
does it make sense
to kill all those animals
to make your face look pretty?
how selfish can you be? (how selfish are you?)
why do i see
people doing nothing, wanting change
but sitting on their asses and not taking the blame
tell me it’s not real. (is it real?)
why is it that
when i ask you a question you turn away and pretend to don’t know me
but you really don’t know shit an you’re a fucking prick
now tell me who are you? (who are you?)
people are scaring me
this material life that they believe
what happened to the truth?
honesty, sincerity, and real virtues
people are scared to be themselves
dreams are extinct and hang on shelves
the world is gone
the sun now cries
where are the reasons to be alive?
to kill all those animals
to make your face look pretty?
how selfish can you be? (how selfish are you?)
why do i see
people doing nothing, wanting change
but sitting on their asses and not taking the blame
tell me it’s not real. (is it real?)
why is it that
when i ask you a question you turn away and pretend to don’t know me
but you really don’t know shit an you’re a fucking prick
now tell me who are you? (who are you?)
people are scaring me
this material life that they believe
what happened to the truth?
honesty, sincerity, and real virtues
people are scared to be themselves
dreams are extinct and hang on shelves
the world is gone
the sun now cries
where are the reasons to be alive?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)